This week, we had a worship service on campus called "One Night" and it was all the campus ministries came together to worship together as one body. It was really amazing. Through the songs, speakers, and communion God was really speaking to me last night. He was saying " where you are right now isn't pointless. The things you are doing now will lead to what I have planned."
Let me give a little back ground to what this means. I have 3 big desires in my life. the first and probably the strongest is to be a mom, not right now of course but some day. I'm pretty sure my biological clock has been ticking scene I was 5. The second desire I have is to live a life of service and ministry. I know I will be in ministry, but because I know that, I want it now. I don't want to sit in an Eng class with a crazy professor. I want to be serving and doing ministry. So I desire to know what is next. And last, I have a desire to fall in love. (this one is completely out of character for me bc I'm not the girl that thinks about marriage or love or anything like that but this past year I have wanted someone I can build a life with. but that's beside the point.)
Last night God was really laying on my heart that I need to give God these desires. So during the worship service its great and I'm like yeah sure, no prob. But now its the 'morning after' and I'm wonder what I have just agreed to. Panic sets in as I realize I told God I would give up my 3 biggest desires in life (aka, give up the pretend control I think I have) and trust that God is going to lead me somewhere amazing.
Today I have done a lot of thinking and talking and praying and I came to this conclusion. Its not about me or my life. I am a follower of Jesus. It is about His life and his desires for me. Even though it is very hard for me to lay my desires at the cross, I know it will be worth it. I know it is something I am going to have to do daily and sometimes hourly but I don't want my own desires to control my life. I want God's desires for me to be the guidance. My desires need to match up to his, and it might be that his desires for me will be a loving husband, lots of kids and a life in ministry.
I want to take myself out of things and be filled with God. I want to desire God, not my wants.
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